It's not the same.

I am sorry for the depressing posts lately, I just have so much running through my head, and this is how I sort it out. Feel free to quit reading, it's really okay. It's just for me anyway, I don't keep a journal, so this is it. I know it will get better. I really do. It's just all so fresh right now. I just feel like I need to write it all and remember everything. I am afraid to let go, I am afraid that if I let go and start to move on with my life I will forget. This morning Kinley came into my room, crawled into bed with me, and started to cry. I calmed her down and asked what was wrong. She told me she was sad and missed grandma. Then she looked at me with real concern in her face, "Mom," she said, "who's going to bring me flowers after my next dance recital? Grandma always brought me flowers." My heart broke a little more, "I will honey, I'll bring you flowers." She just sighed, "Oh Mom, it's not the same when you do it." She's right. It's not. I am mom, I dish out praise and discipline all day long, sometimes in the same sentence. Grandma was different. Grandma did the special things, she cared about and remember every little detail, and she always made you feel like you were wonderful. She made everyone happy. I know exactly what McKinley meant. It's just not the same. It will get better, and we will be okay, but it won't be the same.

some things a heart won't listen to...

I just can't seem to make my heart believe what my minds knows. I can't believe they are gone. It still feels like they are on a trip and will be back anytime. I find myself making mental notes of the things the kids do to tell her next time I talk to her. I straighten her house and keep things as they were because she might be coming over any time. I miss them more than I allow myself to admit.

Do not go gentle into that good night

In light of recent events, this poem (actually it's a villanelle, yes I am an english nerd :) that we studied in high school popped into my head. I can still remember doing a literary analysis of each line, and it applies so perfectly right now. She isn't giving up yet.


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

things to do

While cleaning out Frank's study today I ran across his planner. It was the average sort, worn brown leather, pages filled with things to do. I skimmed over the months. January. February. March. April. May. June. I smiled at the events marked in the calendar that had happened. Tend Matt's kids. Maylee's Blessing. Beach Boys concert in St. George. Then July. August. September. October. November. December. The events on these pages became blury as a new wave of sadness came. He still had things to do. I know he is busy doing things on the other side, and I am sure he has a less-worn-out brown leather planner to organize all of those things, but he still had things to do here. We sure miss him.

Well Done Thou Good and Faithful Servant

On July 1st 2010 my beloved father-in-law passed from this life. That he will be missed is without question. He was a wonderful man. He touched every life that he came in contact with for the good. There was a line 3 hours long at his viewing. His funeral service was provoking and inspiring. That in itself is a tribute to the life that he lived. I have thought long and hard about what I could say as a tribute to this wonderful man, what I want those who didn't know him to know about him, what I want to remember most about him. All I can say is there are hardly words. A more loving, fun, spiritually guided and inspired man I have never known. There are VERY few people in this word who can bring me to tears at the very mention of their name. He is one of the few. When asked on the spot what my favorite memory with him was I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn't speak. There are too many. Beach trips, Bear Lake, coboy potatoes, tri-tip steak BBQ's, car rides, him holding my sweet Maylee only a few hours old, reading to my kids, wakeboarding, hiking, biking, chidding Grandma for hogging the baby, his wisedom, his quiet way, his hugs, his laugh. He was a quiet, proud man. And, as a man, didn't often discuss his feelings with Matt. They were always close, and they knew how they felt about each other, but they didn't talk about it. Matt was able to spend those first few days after Frank's passing reading his father's journals. In his writing he could hear his dad's personality come out in the way he would describe events of his life. He was also able to read in his dad's own words how he felt about him. Those journals with be treasured by our family forever. His sudden passing has brought me to consider my own life. I want to be better at letting my family know how much I love them, and I want to record it so that when I am gone they will never forget it. I have never been a very good journal-keeper, but I manage to somewhat keep up on my blog. I have a tendancy to just record the who-what-where and include photos, and if I get behind I feel like I have to catch up in order to move forward. I have decided that my blog will be more of my journal than a documentary of our lives. I want to use it to record the little things that go on in our lives and to preserve those special moments for my children and for generations to come. My postings may just be random incomplete thoughts because that's all I have time for, but at least it will be written down. I apologize in advance for the direction (or lack thereof) that my blog may take, but after all, it's more for me and my family, but you are still welcome to read if you want to :). I want to record my goals and how I feel as I accomplish them. I want to record the little every-day moments. I don't want to feel like I missed anything. I am quite certain as the time drew near, my father-in-law was able to look back on his life and think to himself "I did pretty well." I want to feel like I could say that. I want to lead a life like his. That is the best tribute I can think to give. I am eternally grateful for the man he was, the son he raised, the life he lead, and the legacy he left behind. He truly earned the gospel phrase "Well done." -Photos courtesy of Amanda Castleberry Photography-

Frank's Obituary from the Deseret News:

Frank Robert Brown 1939 ~ 2010 Our beloved Father, Husband, and Grandfather, Frank Robert Brown, passed away peacefully at home, July 1st, 2010 from complications of cancer.Frank was born December 23rd, 1939 to Frank William and Edith Jones Brown in American Fork. It was there he worked on the family farm, attended High School, and met the love of his life Sharon (Wing) Brown. They were married in 1960 and their marriage was later solemnized in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. Frank graduated in 1965 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Accounting from Brigham Young University. After graduation Frank moved his young family to Kennewick, Washington where he worked for Washington Public Power. Later returning to Utah in 1968, where he worked for The Solar Salt Company. He then joined Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Utah in 1973 where he had a distinguished career of over 20 years. He held several positions including manager, director, assistant Vice President and, at the time of his retirement, Vice President of Government Relations. He was widely known and respected for his industry knowledge, work ethic, and integrity. In addition to his vocation he spent much of his time serving others within his church and community. Whether it was coaching young men on a baseball field, serving as a Bishop or Temple worker or on the Davis County Schools Foundation Board, Frank was found giving of his time, talents and love to others. Perhaps one of the most fulfilling services rendered was his time serving a mission with his wonderful wife in Arcadia California. Frank and Sharon were loved by the missionaries with whom they served. Frank was a man of character who put his family above all else. He enjoyed taking family vacations, especially to Southern California or boating where countless memories and traditions were established. Frank was an exceptional athlete and could often be found on the golf course with family and friends. He also loved baseball where he played competitively at the collegiate and semi pro level and later retired to the "old mans" game of softball. He touched those he came in contact with a warm smile, a twinkle in his eye and a quick wit. Frank is loved by many and has left a legacy and example for us to follow. Many will miss him but we know he has gone to a better place to continue the Lords work and to be with many loved ones that have passed on before him. Frank is survived by his wife of 50 years, Sharon, and his children: Lisa (Greg) Cowley, Kim (Darrel) Welling, Aimee (David) Higley, all of Bountiful, and Matt (Mandy) Brown of Saratoga Springs. He is survived by 15 beautiful grandchildren with one on the way. He is also survived by his siblings Elaine (Morris) Smith, and Janae Mattingly. Preceded in death by his parents Frank and Edith Brown. Funeral services will be held at 11:00 a.m., Wednesday, July 7, 2010 at the Mueller Park Stake Center, 1891 South 1200 East, Bountiful. A viewing will be held Tuesday evening from 6:00 - 8:00 p.m. at Russon Brothers Bountiful Mortuary, 295 North Main, and Wednesday 9:30 -10:45 a.m. at the church prior to services. Interment-Bountiful City Cemetery.

This is my temporary home.

It's not where I belong.

Windows and rooms

that I'm passin' through.

This is just a stop

on the way to where I'm going.It's not that I don't like it. Okay, I don't LOVE it, but it's not bad. It's just not mine. It's not ours. There's no 'me' in it at all, and I don't have the will to put any 'me' into it because I put all of myself into my last house and then left it. I know we are leaving this one in only a few months, so I just can't bring myself to settle in. And so it feels like we don't really live here. I suppose that's okay, it's just a temporary home.

PS - yes I was too lazy to go outside and take a photo so I stole this one from the land records :)

McKinley's Recital

McKinley had her end-of-year dance recital on May 22nd. It was so much fun to watch her dance that she had worked so hard on - and her little class was SO cute! Here are some pictures from that day:

Letting Go...

There are supposedly 5 stages of Grief.
1. Denial. I have spent a lot of time in denial. It's not really happening. I wouldn't tell anyone about it for a few days even, really because I couldn't deal with it. Still some days I am back at step 1.
2. Anger. Okay, I may have skipped this one, or maybe replaced it with anxiety. I really don't LOVE the feeling of not knowing what is next. I am a planner, so anxiety comes with the territory when the future is unknown.
3. Bartering. I tried this one, I tried to convince myself that I could just forget about the whole thing and be fine keeping things the way they are. It didn't really work. I must not be that convincing when arguing with myself.
4. Depression. Okay, not real depression, it is just a house after all, but definitely sadness. Nostalgia. Reminiscence. Remorse. I haven't even left and I miss it already.
5. Acceptance. I don't know if I am here yet. I waver between step 4 and 5, but it's time to move on. Literally. It's time to let go.
I know it sounds completely absurd to have these feelings about a house. It's a house. But it's not just a house, it's a home. It's my home. It is the place I have brought my last 2 babies home to, it's the place where I have raised my family, where we have shared countless memories and timeless moments. It is the place that we have spent the last 4 1/2 years turning into something that is uniquely ours. We have poured hours and hours into building, cleaning, painting, repainting, decorating, laying sprinkler lines and sod, carting wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of dirt, redecorating, and making it just perfect. I know it's nothing fancy, but I really don't need fancy. It really is just perfect (okay, aside from my laundry room, but I don't even mind that anymore), it's perfect for me. Every room, corner, and closet is finally all mine, I have poured every bit of 'me' into it. And now it's not mine. We met the buyers yesterday. They are great, really they are. They have 3 little girls who will LOVE the playroom. They are the perfect fit. They even drive an Odyssey :). But I felt like I was giving them my child. I wanted to tell them to take good care of it and never try to change it. I wanted to tell them that I hate my laundry room and that they really don't want this house. I wanted to tell them that this neighborhood is amazing, and that they had better appreciate every minute that they are here. I didn't. Instead I made small talk and told them how much we love this neighborhood (and we really really do), then spent the rest of the day reminiscing about our home. No, I have not completely let go. I am not quite at step 5 yet. I know that this is for the best. I know that we will grow to love our new home (once we decide what and where to build, and someday move in :). I know that we will somehow come to feel the same way about our new neighborhood that we do about Harvest Hills. Our neighbors are our friends, but so much more than that, they have become like family. We depend on each other, share our joys and sorrows, and truly care for each other. We will never replace them, but hopefully find that some close-knit community feeling again. Sometimes you realize when you get what you want you didn't get exactly what you want. I want a new house, but I want my old house. I want my old house with a few changes. Changes that I can't make to it, so it just wouldn't work. And so, as time has gone on, I have begun to accept it. Begun to look for a new house that will feel like home again. Begun to feel a glimmer of hope and excitement at the prospect of a new adventure. Begun to feel the thrill of building something from nothing (literally from a flat plot of dirt) - this time knowing that what we are building is ours (the last house we build we sold before we ever lived in it). Begun to feel like I can let go. I am not there yet, but the process has begun.

livin' la vida loca

yeah, our life is a little crazy lately (oh yeah, and Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet :), but here is what I have time to document:

Maylee is growing so quickly, we are just trying to enjoy every minute of her sweetness before she gets too old! And I torture her with photo sessions as often as I find time - here is her 'mom quit torturing me with that stupid flash while I am sleeping' face :)

Can't get enough of the sweet sleeping baby :)
Stretching and waking up - again I am in love :)Kinley and Grandma Brown - my kids just love hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa!
A few of the cousins, kiddos, Grandma Brown, and Aunt Kim - we love family gatherings!This is the reason I have no photos of Mason - he refuses to cooperate! This is what I got when I asked him to smile for me :) ... and this...
... and this... :) this picture was laying on my bed because I was changing the photo in the frame, so he decided to hide behind it, it actually turned out pretty funny because it looks like Kinley's head on Mason's body, he thought it was hilarious :) Mason is such a funny kid :). Quick Mason story: last week at Preschool his teacher's husband (who is a police officer) was there to teach the kids about safety and he let them explore his police car. I was sure Mason would LOVE it. When I picked him up afterwards I asked how it was and his teacher said he wouldn't go near it. She said maybe the lights and sirens were too much for him. When we got in the car I asked him about it. He told me all about the police car and said the red and blue lights were SO cool! I asked him why he wouldn't go inside of it then. "I didn't have my seat belt on and I didn't want him to take me to jail" was his response :). I tell our kids that if they don't buckle up in the car that the policemen will take Mommy to jail, apparently he thought that meant he would go to jail too :). Ooops. That kids remembers EVERYTHING I say :)
Random projects :) Burp cloths-
Monogram onesie (front and back)
Ruffle flower onesie with ruffles on the bum (for a baby gift, fun easy project)Rolled fabric roses and melted fabric flowers - also easy and fun! Do you think I have an obsession with hair accessories? Maybe :)
Maylee's carseat cover - Farrah made it for me before she was born so I added cute girly things (in pink of course :)The nursery chair - a recliner that I bought on KSL.com for $10 and recovered with chocolate brown minky dot fabric - it is super-soft, and looks better in person, the photo is weird :)IF you made it this far in my mass-photo post you deserve a cookie (ooooh, I want a cookie, stupid Weight Watchers :), so instead you get a little treat, the before and after of Maylee's nursery (finally!). It still needs a few touches, but I may never get to those.

This was the nursery way before, when it was Mason's room (I had gotten rid of some stuff already when I took these, unfortunately I never took pictures of his nursery, it was really cute)After I got rid of everything, before I started adding the new stuff :) This was about 3 weeks before Maylee was born - nothing like waiting until last minute :)The finished product :)We had to keep it unisex, and I finished about 4 days before Maylee was born, all I added after were the pictures of Maylee, the frames were all done before :)
Special thanks go to Matt for humoring me and doing all of the paneling, shelf molding, baseboards, window sill, casings, etc. knowing that our house was on the market. I LOVE it.

AND I re-did my laundry room (added cabinets and moved the hanging rack) not photoworthy, but a major improvement, so WHY would I ever want to leave this house? I have finally made everything exactly the way I want it! And to add to the chaos of our life lately we have had 3 showings a day all week, so I have had to leave the house for about 5 hours at a time with 3 kids in crappy cold weather, so we have had to spend a LOT of time at the mall. Not fun with 3 kids. Which brings me to my next point... if you made it this far you get the latest news, we unfortunately sold our house yesterday! We got a full price offer and accepted, however they do have a contingency since they need to sell their house still, but they seem to think it will be no problem. So, that's our lastest exciting news, I have a new BIG project to do (a new house!), but I will be beyond sad to leave my house that I love so very much, and of course our friends and neighbors who have shared our lives for the last 4 1/2 years. Sniff sniff. Seriously, I am emotional about it, but I know it will be a good change eventually :). Thanks for humoring me and reading all of this nonsense, it's more for my documentation than anything :). Time to feed the crying baby, I promise to update more than once a month... actually I can't promise anything, but I will try!

Maylee 2 Month Stats

Miss Maylee is 2 months old already, time flies by so quickly! She is so much fun, we love every minute of her. She is super-smiley lately, which just melts everybody's hearts (who can resist a sweet baby smile!?!). She loves to smile at McKinley while she talks to her. She loves her baths, her brother and sister (they are very entertaining), and of course she loves sleeping and eating :). She weighed 10 1/2 pounds at her 2-month visit and was 22 1/2 inches long. Again, forgot her head measurement, but she is in the 50th percentile on everything, so just about average. Again, I am spoiled by a serious sleeper :). She sleeps from about 11pm to 8am, so I am getting a pretty good night's sleep... still not sure why I am tired all of the time, but it may have something to do with our crazy chaotic life :). Well, enjoy the photos, we love our sweet little princess!
Not the best picture, but I love that she is smiling at Kinley and Mason while they try to get her to look at the camera :)I heart Baby Legs, seriously how cute are those? :)