Our 2012 Family Pictures

 

This year I really struggled with family pictures.  I know, not a major crisis, I should be able to let that one go.  But it's the little things.  The little things that are hard.  The little things, little milestones that bring healing.  This milestone was family pictures.  I saw it coming a mile away.  I do family pictures every year.  I love having family pictures taken.  I love coordinating just the right outfits and colors.  I love choosing a location that we haven't done before.  I love our fantastic photographer (who happens to be my lovely and talented niece Amanda).  I love comparing how my kids have grown from year to year.  I love the anticipation waiting for the CD to come so I can pick my favorites and plan Christmas cards.  Christmas cards.  Another little thing.  Another hard thing.  This year has had many of those.  I always send Christmas cards.  I love sending them, I love getting them, I always do Christmas cards.  And so I have been torn.  For months I have debated not doing them, just skipping over the whole season and getting through it.  But that's not me.  That's just one more thing about all this that makes me feel less like me.  And so I resolved to do them.  I would make them work, and I would put my heart into making them perfect (keeping in mind that when you are working with children, one of whom is 2-years-old, 'perfect' is a relative term :).  I tried.  I ordered fabric, planned the perfect outfits to make for my girls, coordinated everyone else's outfits around theirs.  Nothing.  No excitement.  Just that constant reminder that something's missing.  So I decided to try using my creative side to make it work.  I WANTED more than anything a complete family picture.  I only have one, and if you have seen it you know that it's far from perfect.  I treasure it, but it was the day after Miles' passing while we were still in the hospital.  I hadn't showered, my eyes were almost swollen shut, it was awful.  And it was all I had.  I have seen photos done with big chunky frames as props, so I thought I would try doing that, then photoshop my favorite picture of Miles into the frame.  There it was.  A little bit of peace.  But what if it didn't work?  There had to be something more.  I had heard so many suggestions for symbolic things in family pictures; teddy bears, a certain color that you wear every year, etc.  None of them were me.  While at my kids' primary program practice a week before our pictures I was talking to a cute friend in my ward.  Somehow we got on the subject (and bawled like babies), and she said she had a pocketwatch necklace that would be cool, I could find one like it and set it to the time of his birth, with a photo of him inside of it.  It was perfect, and I immediately loved the idea.  I knew just the right people to make it happen, the lovely ladies at Rusted Pearl.  They were fantastic, and did everything to make it look just the way I wanted, and have it done on such short notice.  The pocketwatch idea was perfect.  Subtle, symbolic, timeless, and can easily be incorporated into family pictures for years to come.  It was just what I needed.  A little more peace.  There is no way to bring him back.  No way to make our family pictures complete.  But little things bring healing.  We all wore something that was a little reminder of Miles.  And doing it, trying, doing something hard, it brought a little bit of peace, and a little more strength.  Of course, I find peace in knowing that someday we WILL all be together again.  Someday I will again have a fullness of joy.  But for now it's the little things. 

 (below) A closeup of my pocketwatch necklace open. Yes, after all that, I forgot to set it to 5:12, the time of his birth. I am going to have to re-do just those few closeups... ooops 

(below) I made the girls' outfits and Mason's tie. They all have my Miles & Me tags in them

(below) Where would I be without this guy!

(below) and them!  They are the cutest, I am so grateful to be their mom!

(below) I couldn't resist including this picture of Maylee.  It makes me laugh every time I see it.  She was trying SO hard to force a smile, it was painful :)  Love her!

 

bittersweet.

It seems that is the term I use to describe most things in life lately. Bittersweet. First, let me back up and apologize for my lack of posts lately, it has been a rough few months, and I haven't had anything great to write about. To be honest, I feel like our family blog has turned into my venting place for dealing with my grief. I like the way a fellow angel mom described it, she said (paraphrasing) that it's not all about her grief, but it's a blog about their lives, and their lives are intertwined with grief. That's how it is. It's a part of our lives. There are good things, so many good things, in our life. We are happy and enjoy famiy time and fun activities, and can put aside our grief for awhile, but it's always there in the background. The fun times are so busy and fun, I often don't have the time to stop and write about them. The times that I write are the times when I have something weighing on my mind and need to get it out. That's why it seems that's all I write about on my blog. I just don't want it to seem like it's consuming, it's not. We are happy, and life is good.

That being said, it IS always in the background. Every happy time is just a little bit bittersweet. There is always just a little something missing. Today is McKinley's 8th birthday. Today we celebrated the day that we brought our first baby into the world. We reminisced about that day and joked about how we were so young and had no idea what we were doing. It worked out just fine :). McKinley is an amazing young lady. She is strong, smart, driven, and talented in so many ways. She has chosen to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We are so very proud of her decision. She is an amazing example to us and to her friends. One of today's activities was to bring treats to her class at school and to read with them. McKinley picked her book, one I had read to her once, and informed me that she wanted to read it to her class, rather than have me read it. That turned out to be a huge blessing. The book she read was one a friend had given us after Miles' passing. It talked about remembering those we have lost and looking forward to seeing them again. As she read I remembered why I had only read that book to her once. Blinking back tears I listened as she read. She read beautifully, she is so much stronger than I am. She shared that it is her favorite book because it reminds her of her brother Miles. We did treats with her class, then Mason, Maylee, and I went home to finish birthday preparations while we waited for Kinley to get home from school. As I put the finishing touches on a couple of her birthday presents, I thought back to her last birthday. Then the emotions of earlier came back, and I realized why I had been fighting back tears all day. I remember my excitement last year as I dropped her off at school and left Mason and Maylee with a friend so I could go to my first prenatal appointment. I was a little over 10 weeks along, and couldn't wait to hear this baby's heartbeat. Only Matt and I knew that I was pregnant. I hadn't wanted to tell anyone for a few more weeks, I wanted to make sure everything was okay before we shared our exciting 'secret.' Everything was great, and the doctor sent me home with ultrasound images of our tiny little peanut. I rushed home after, finished setting up for Kinley's party, and the rest of the day I was on cloud 9. After her friends had left, McKinley noticed my ultrasound pictures sitting on the desk in the kitchen. Her teacher (who was due just a few weeks before me) had just announced to her class that she was pregnant, and had apparently shown them her ultrasound pictures. When McKinley saw mine, she said 'Mom, is this Mrs. Wride's baby?' I laughed, then brushed it off, saying 'no.' Then her eyes got big, and she said, 'wait, is this your baby?!?' I was so caught off guard that she had put that together, I could do nothing but stutter for a minute, then say 'yes.' They were all so excited, it was so much fun to celebrate that moment together on McKinley's birthday. Since our kids knew, we figured we might as well tell the world. We announced it to our family and friends that night. That was the night that we wanted to shout from the rooftops that even though I had said we were done after baby #3, we were having one more baby. One year ago. It didn't even occur to me until this afternoon as I finished up birthday plans the significance of one year ago today. That's how it is. It sneaks up on me sometimes. Like today. Today we are celebrating the birth of our oldest child, but at the very same time, in the background, mourning for what should have been. Our lives are intertwined with grief, and so many of our happy times are bittersweet.