what to expect

no, this is not the textbook version.  There is no textbook for this.  I took a pregnancy test this morning.  I didn't expect anything, I just did it out of habit.  I usually take one right around 'that time' every month just because, well, because I don't like surprises.  But this test was different.  It was a different brand.  I took it, like usual, then started my morning routine.  I glanced at it a few minutes later, as usual, before I would usually put it in the garbage.  When I looked at it, I didn't understand it.  Seriously.  I was used to looking for one or two pink lines.  This one had a blue plus, and then another line.  What does that even mean?  A little curious, but still not thinking anything, I googled it.  On my phone.  From the bathroom.  I have had 4 babies, but you would think this was my first time taking one of these.  My brain couldn't process it.  I found the brand, then the 'how to read your test' link.  I froze.  Wait, what?  I'm PREGNANT?  I do a little mental math.  5 1/2 weeks.  I think.  It's what I wanted, right?  I think so.  Then a million questions and doubts flooded my mind.  How could I do this all again? What if something happens again?  9 months is a really long time.  Too long.  My brain went numb the rest of the day.  No more thinking.  Denial.  Pretend it's not happening.  I told only one person, a friend and fellow angel mom.  And I cried.  Partially happy tears, but mostly scared out of my mind.  More scared than I have ever been at the top of a really long roller coaster.  There is no What to Expect for moms like me.  There is no normal once you have dealt with the reality of losing a baby.  I am excited to hold another baby, I am excited for my kids to have another sibling.  I am excited for my 5th baby.  But this is not like any of my other 4 pregnancies, this is different.  No nesting, no anxious anticipation and calculating due dates and planning boy or girl coming home outifts.  Bringing a new baby home, what was that even like?  I can't remember.  That seems like a dream, like an impossible reality.  I have done that before, 3 times, but that all seems so long ago, and clouded by the memories of leaving a hospital emptyhanded.  Even now, as I get ready for bed, I begin to doubt.  It was probably wrong.  I will take another one in a few days.  This is going to be a long 9 months.  Deep breath, listen to my friend.  It will be okay.  Just take it one milestone at a time.  12 weeks.  20 weeks. 38 weeks (they will do my c-section 2 weeks early because of the type of c-section I had with Miles, there is not a doctor in the country who will do a VBAC on a classical c-section - and yes I googled that just to be sure.  The risk of complications from going into labor are high, so 38 weeks it is).  That's too far for now, one milestone at a time.  12 weeks.  I can stay sane that long.

*(edit 2/28/13) I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant, but I never published it.  For anyone who cares to read, this is what every day of the next two months felt like.  Only to have it end in disappointment. 

2012 Christmas Cards and a Year in Review

Dear Family & Friends,

       As I prepared to send out Christmas cards this year, I thought long and hard about the letter I would send with them.  What would I write, how would I say it?  I tried several times, but nothing sounded right.  I finally decided not to do it.  I can't write the usual family update this year.  Instead, I put our blog link on our card, so that those who want to can read all about our family this year.  I don't mean that to sound ungrateful, we have been watched over and have been truly blessed this year, far too much to express in one single letter.  Here is a short review, with links to blog posts about some of them.  McKinley turned 8, and chose to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints just a couple of weeks ago {link here}. We are so proud of her. She also began playing soccer this year, as well as piano, and drama classes. She is in 2nd grade, and her teacher just raves about her, she excels in every area in school, especially reading (a girl after my own heart :).  Mason turned 6, started playing tee-ball and soccer, as well as taking karate, and began Kindergarten this fall.  He is loving school, loves playing with his friends, and is growing too fast.  Maylee turned 2, and is a little fireball (she has a bit of her dad in her :). I don't know what I would do without her cute little voice making sassy remarks about EVERY thing I do.  On April 1st we welcomed our 4th little one into the world.  We named him Miles Frank Brown.  We were blessed to be his earthly parents for only a few hours before he returned to the loving arms of his heavenly father {link to Miles' Story here}.  We are so grateful for the short time that we had with him, and we look forward to the day that we can hold him in our arms forever.  We are so grateful at this time of year for our children, every one of them, on earth and in heaven.  We are grateful for our families, those who we spend the holidays with, those who live far away and celebrate with us in spirit, and those who watch over us from heaven.  We are grateful for our friends and neighbors who have loved, supported, served, and blessed our family.  We are especially grateful for our Savior, for his sacrifice, and for the promise of a forever family {to read about our family pictures this year click HERE}.  We hope that you have a wonderful holiday season, we love you all!

Love, the Brown Family

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given

 I have had many different feelings about the first Christmas over the years.  As a child it was a fun story.  As I got older I understood it a little more.  The Christmas of 2004 was just a few weeks after the birth of our first child, and I felt then that I understood just how Mary must have felt as she held her tiny newborn baby in her arms.  How full her joy must have been, I thought.  I was pregnant with each of my other 3 babies during 3 different Christmases, and I felt that I could empathize with mary as she traveled a great distance on a donkey while large with child.  Her circumstances were less than ideal, and I felt for her physical pain.  I also knew that she endured that pain in anxious anticipation of the joy of his upcoming birth.  Soon, very soon, she would hold her baby in her arms and he would be hers.  I thought I understood it then.  This year, however, I think I understand a little bit more.  Mary knew that she was giving birth to a child who would not be hers to raise.  She knew he had a plan, and a purpose.  She knew he would die to save the world.  She carried that burden with her as she faithfully carried him in her womb.  She was no different than you or I.  She was a mother, she had a mother's heart, and she no doubt had hopes and dreams for the child that she carried.  She no doubt held him in her arms as a newborn and wanted to take away the pain that she knew he would experience.  She knew that he would be taken from her too soon, as this was his plan.  Yet she continued in faith.  Every year I learn a little bit more, understand a little bit more of Mary's role in the life of our Savior.  Every year my gratitude increases for her sacrifice.  For His ultimate sacrifice.  I am so grateful for the birth of our Savior, and for the greatest gift of all gifts that have been given to mankind, the gift of the Atonement.  I know that our family will be together again one day, and that we are sealed by bonds that death cannot break.  I know that I am not perfect, nor could I hope to be in this life, but by and through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I can be made perfect, and can one day enter into the kingdom of heaven and rejoin my lost loved ones.  And hold my son again.  Because of Him my heart is full this holiday season, and I am grateful.

I like to Look for Rainbows

Today was McKinley's baptism day.  It was a perfect day, and one she has looked forward to for a long time. She is such a sweet, sensitive, amazing girl, I am so lucky to be her mother. She took her decision to be baptized very seriously, and I am so proud of her as she has reached this milestone in her life.   

McKinley and Matt all dressed in white before her baptism

 McKinley's cute friend Lulu (far left) was baptized with her.  Love these cute girls, it has been so great to be in Primary with them.

Amanda did such an amazing job photographing Kinley in her baptism dress, and Kinley loved every minute of being a little model :).  She kept saying she felt like she was wearing a wedding dress.  I love that she is such a girly girl!

 

Beware: photo overload coming!  I wanted to include photos of the details of her baptism celebration.  She was so excited about every part of it, I want her to always remember what a special day it was.  We are so grateful to have such wonderful family and friends to share her special day with her. We did an 'I like to look for Rainbows' theme since that is her favorite Primary song (the actual name of the song is 'When I am Baptized', it fit perfectly :)  A friend from my old ward had just done a rainbow birthday party for her daughter and didn't want her decorations anymore, she generously gave them to us, and they turned out fabulous!  She is amazing, we only added a few touches, and they fit our theme perfectly!

 McKinley is so funny, she had my artistic, creative side.  She insisted that we needed brightly colored fresh flowers for the table.  We ran across these the night before, perfect!  She was so happy!

 More details - thanks to everyone who helped with the food, it was fantastic!

 Display of McKinley's baptism pictures.

 I was recently called as the Primary President in our ward, so this is a new thing I started doing.  There was a stack of hole-punched white cardstock and pens on a table just outside the chapel doors for attendees to take during the break while they wait for their loved one to change into dry clothes.  They could write their testimony or a love note on the sheet and then handed it to me to bind with rings with this cover I had made.  It worked great, and she loves to look through it.  We also made one for Lulu so that they could remember those who shared in their special day.

 McKinley's Grandma Brown used to make a porcelain doll with a beautiful white dress to look like each of the granddaughter's for them for their baptism.  She passed away before Kinley was old enough to get one, and I don't do dolls :), so this was my way of carrying on that tradition.  I made her baptism dress, so for her birthday I made a smaller version of it to fit an American Girl Doll.  I had American Girl dolls, and she has wanted one for some time now.  I told her when she turned 8 she would could have one of her own, so for her birthday this year she got one that looked like her (red hair, blue eyes, it's hard to see in the fuzzy camera phone photo :).  She loves that she has a doll that looks like her, I love that we could carry on something that Grandma Brown started, it was a way to include her in McKinley's day since she couldn't be there in person.

And I had to include Maylee.  Pretty sure she had like 20 cupcakes that day.

 And enjoyed every single bite.

 

Today also marked 8 months since Miles' passing.  I know he and Grandma and Grandpa Brown were all looking down and smiling today as we all celebrated with McKinley.