one of these things...

looks a lot like the other...

Okay, the hat is throwing it off, but I ran across this picture of Matt and totally saw Mason's smile in it.  Call me crazy, but that boy looks like his daddy.

This is what everyone dreams of

I ran across this tattered wallet photo in a small black box of Frank's things today.  This was written over 50 years ago.  It is and was always true.  Such an amazing love story and legacy.  It wasn't always perfect, and that was the beauty of it.  They loved each other no matter what.  Forever, for always, and no matter what.  I saw it first hand, and I want my children to know that this is what they should hope and pray for.

I saw an amazing sunset

on my way home today. It had rained, so it was still cloudy. It struck me then that the amazing sunset was made possible only by the lingering clouds. Sometimes that's just the way it is. Sometimes it takes gray clouds to bring out the beauty in life. We can't fully appreciate the sweet until we taste the bitter. I am grateful for the clouds. I am grateful for trials. They make the sunsets all that much better.

Disclaimer: this was taken from my car while at a red light, I was about 10 minutes too late to capture the sunset, and it was with my camera phone, but you get the idea.  I promise, it was great.  This is what was left of it :)

Ay, there's the rub...

 the downside to having people who you love dearly, and who are such an integral part of your everyday life. When they are gone they are deeply and dearly missed in every part of your everyday life.

While it's true that I am TRYING to focus on the positives, there is no denying that I am dreading the holidays this year.  The moment I started to see boughs of holly going up in the malls (yeah, before Halloween), I could feel the ache start.  The closer they get, the more I feel it.  That big gaping hole.  I am just not ready to face it.  Face their empty place at the Thanksgiving table.  Their part in our Christmas Eve traditions.  Sharing in the excitement and joy with them.  Lights at temple square followed by burgers at Hires.  Shared birthday celebrations.  Their 50th wedding anniversary.  There should be so much joy, but there is just no ignoring their absence.  It feels so unnatural.  I know it will all be okay, and that the first year is the worst, but I am just struggling to get into the holiday spirit this year.  We just loved them so much, they are missed every day, and even more at the times of year we all enjoyed the most. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful.  Grateful for the time we had.  Grateful again for the tender mercies of the Lord.  Grateful for the gospel, and for the knowledge that this life isn't the end, and that we will be with them again.  Grateful for the love and legacy they left behind.  Grateful for the lives they lived and for the larger-than-life shoes that they left for us to fill.  Heartbroken, yes, but eternally and inexplicably grateful. 

Primary Program

Today was our ward's primary program (as well as Kinley's birthday).  McKinley and Mason were both in it this year, and they were so excited.  They worked hard practicing and memorizing their parts, and recited them beautifully.  They were so cute, and I was so proud :). 

McKinley's part said: The atonement is what Jesus did for us so that we can repent and return to Heavenly Father.
Mason's part said: Jesus Christ was resurrected and I know that my Grandma and Grandpa and I will be too.

I know that they believe what they said.  I know it too.  I am grateful for that.  Matt and I both felt that Grandma and Grandpa were close-by today.  They wouldn't miss it.

Somebody's 6!

My sweet baby girl turned 6 today! She is growing up so fast, it's fun and scary at the same time! I am so grateful for her! Happy Birthday McKinley!

It's a girl! We were so excited!

Sweet tiny baby!

First BirthdayLittle 2-year-oldThree years oldFourth birthdayTurning 5... And ... 6!

I really can't believe how she's grown. OH, and looking for pictures made me realize I need to do a better job at taking pictures on my kids' birthdays. I have done a big party every year for Kinley's birthday and I don't have a SINGLE picture of ANY of them, just random photos either opening presents or blowing out candles at night in her pj's. Ooops. Love that girl!

Tender Mercies

I know my blog has turned into a random collection of my depressing thoughts.  Sorry about that, it just so happens that when I have a million thoughts swirling around in my head, this is the best place for me to sort them out. Today's post is different, though.  There are many moments of complete despair in dealing with our recent losses, but there are moments of sweet peace and comfort as well.  Moments when we recognize the mysterious tender mercies of the Lord.  They are not grand moments, nor are they defined, but if we look closely with the right frame of mind and the spirit in our hearts, we are able to find the silver lining in the small moments. 

We are currently living in my mother and father-in-laws' old house.  In August my sweet mother-in-law began chemotherapy again and needed 24-hour care, so she moved in with my sister-in-law just a few blocks away.  We had just sold our house and moved into a rental, so we moved (again) here to help take care of her house and to be nearby while she was living with my sister-in-law so that we could help.  We kept everything that we could just the way that she left it so that it would be easy to move her back in when she was ready.  We fully believed that.  If anyone deserved a miracle she did. 

However, that was not to be.  And in that itself there was a tender mercy.  She did deserve a miracle, and she got one.  Not the one we wanted, but a miracle nonetheless.  She is no longer in pain, and she is reunited with the love of her life.  Putting our selfishness aside, that's what we would want for her.

Back to the house.  To call it old isn't really fitting.  It was built in the 60's, so by definition it is 'old.'  They lived here for over 40 years and filled it with love and fond memories.  They loved their house.  About a year and a half ago they decided it was time for a remodel.  Matt (being a general contractor) assembled his best team of subs and let the work begin.  The finished product is truly amazing.  Their kitchen is gorgeous, complete with gas range, beautiful custom cabinetry, hand scraped wood floors, granite, you name it.  The rest of the house received the same treatments - new furniture, wood floors, re-textured ceilings and walls, new baseboards, door casings, crown molding, bathroom vanities, new paint, carpet, you name it.  It looks like a completely new house.  They loved it even more with it's new face lift, and especially since their son had put his best work into it.  Soon after Sharon's passing Matt was reminiscing and told me how sad it made him that they finally had everything just the way they wanted it, and they didn't get to enjoy it.  And then the moment came when we recognized the hand of the Lord.  The silver lining.  His tender mercy.  Matt spent months of countless hours with his parents - good months while they were healthy and strong - working on this project.  He was up there at least 3 or 4 times a week during the day checking on his subs and making sure everything was perfect.  I can't count the number of times I called him and he was at lunch with his mom and dad, or sitting in their living room with them picking colors or going over changes.  He got time that he never would have had.  He would normally have been working on his other projects during the day and not had the time to got all the way to Bountiful nearly every day for lunches and to spend time with them.  Time he couldn't have gotten back.  Time he is so grateful that he spent with them.  Time I am grateful that he had. 

The summer before their passing Matt was called to be the first counselor in the bishopric.  The timing was impeccable, right in the middle of the craziest summer we'd ever had.  We had just come back from my sister's wedding, my niece got married, we found out we were pregnant, we were in charge of youth conference, we were going on a family trip to Florida, plus Bear Lake and all of our other summer activities.  We were BUSY, and though he was honored to serve in his calling, it definitely added to the busy-ness of our life.  That calling, in and of itself, was a blessing.  His dad, being a prior bishop, was often called upon by Matt for advice on matters of church service.  A smaller, yet equally significant blessing encased in that calling was that Matt was ordained a high priest.  His dad was able to preform that ordination.  That was in July of last year.  One year later and that would not have been possible.  Such timing leaves no room for doubt that there is a plan, and that our loving Heavenly Father bestows upon us tender mercies in our times of trials.  Sure, someone else could have preformed that ordinance, but for Matt to have his dad do so was a treasured memory for him.  One that he could not have known only a year later would mean so very much.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Maylee, I had a distinct impression that I wanted Frank and Sharon to be there when she was born.  I have never wanted anyone to be there for the birth of my children.  Usually Grandma and Grandpa took care of the other children at home for me.  This time was different.  I joked that this was likely the last grandchild's birth that they would see, so I wanted them there.  In truth I just wanted them there, and I could feel that I needed them to be.  I thought what I meant was that this was to be our last child, and none of Matt's sisters were planning on any more children, so this was to be their last grandchild, period, not that they were going anywhere.  The thought of them not being here had not even occurred to me.  That was such a special moment for us to have them there at her birth.  To share in the excitement when we found out she was a girl, to watch her first bath and snuggle and hold her and enjoy her newborn sweetness.  Such a blessing, and a tender mercy.  Those were the last really good quiet tender moments that we shared, without the hubbub of a family party or my other kids vying for attention.  Just us and them in that hospital room marveling at the miracle of the new life that we held in our arms.  

If you know me, you know that I am a perfectionist.  When it came time to plan Maylee's blessing I wanted everything to be perfect.  I wanted to do it in June because I needed more time to plan, I wanted to lose more baby weight, lots of lame reasons, etc.,  Matt really wanted to do it in May because it was his month to conduct (he was in the bishopric in our ward then).  I thought it was really lame and tried to fight it, but eventually gave in a grudgingly accepted that it wouldn't be perfect, but we would do it.  Since Matt was already on the stand for her blessing my cute father-in-law proudly carried his beautiful grandbaby to and from the stand to be blessed.  He loved it.  He loved her so very very much.  Just a few weeks later he could hardly walk, and his condition quickly deteriorated.  The image of his proud face carrying my sweet baby in her little white dress is forever engraved in my mind.  Such a tender moment.  Had we done it in June as planned that is a moment we would not have been able to have.  We could never have known, but we are so grateful for that tender mercy.  As is traditional at baby blessings, we took tons of pictures, especially some of our little family with my in-laws.  Those were the last family photos that we had, and the only ones of our whole family with Maylee included.  Those are priceless photos, and though not perfect, I am so grateful that we have them.  One more month and we would not have a single complete family photo with Grandma and Grandpa.  The hand of the Lord in our life is so obvious if we take the time to look.

During the months following their passing I find it much easier to wallow in self-pity.  I find myself thinking how unfair it is, and so many should-have's and could-have's and wish-I-had's.  There are many, but there are so many blessed moments that we had that I am so grateful for.  Every moment was on borrowed time, and we took advantage of what we had.  There will be plenty more days of grief ahead, but I will try each day to remember the good times, and to recognize the hand of the Lord in our life.  To give thanks for His infinite wisdom, and for His tender mercies.

When is Jesus coming out?

Mason is such a funny little kid. Seriously, the things he thinks of just crack me up, I love him! We were driving on the freeway today after a rainstorm. It was still a little cloudy, and Mason was staring out the window.

Mason: Mom, when is Jesus coming out?
Me: (wondering where this is going) I don't know, nobody really knows when Jesus will come again, why?
Mason: 'Cause look, the sun is shining through the hole in the clouds, just like in the pictures, I think he's going to come out now.

Love him!