A Leap of Faith

Yesterday was yet another one of those days that life can't prepare you for.  After much deliberation and prayer, we decided several months ago that we would try to have another baby.  We put our trust in the Lord, held our breath, and decided to go on faith.  We got pregnant after a few months of trying, and were both nervous and excited for this opportunity for our family to grown and heal together.  We didn't tell anyone, not even our kids.  We wanted to wait until we were sure everything was okay before we put them through that again.  And so the first few weeks of first trimester misery went on as I waited for my first doctor's appointment.  I was so nervous and anxious, but that was all put at ease when I saw a little baby on that screen with a little flickering heartbeat in perfect rhythm.  I knew we were far from out of the woods, but I was relieved.  We decided to wait a little longer before sharing our exciting news.  Yesterday, at 12 1/2 weeks, I had my second doctor's appointment.  Nothing seemed out of place, and I was only slightly anxious to see the baby again, I was sure everything was fine.  I was tired and miserable, so everything seemed as it should be.  The moment I saw the baby on the screen I knew something was wrong.  There was the baby, but everything was too still, no wiggling, no flickering heartbeat.  I said nothing and stared at the screen as the doctor moved the ultrasound wand around quietly. In my head I was screaming 'WHY can't I see a heartbeat!?!  WHY aren't you saying anything?!?!  Something is wrong.  Something is wrong.'  I couldn't make the words come out, it was too impossible, not after everything we had already been through.  Not after the last several weeks of misery, I was almost done.  I was sure I was overreacting, I was missing something.  Then my doctor finally looked and me and said, "well, you are measuring a week and a half behind, the baby isn't moving, and there is no heartbeat.  I'm so sorry."  My mind was numb as we scheduled a D&C since my body didn't seem to recognize that it was no longer pregnant.  I know this is nothing compared to losing Miles, but it's yet another loss, another leap of faith, and another trial.  I go in this afternoon for the D&C.  I had Matt tell our kids last night so they wouldn't wonder what was going on.  Before he could finish his sentence, McKinley started excitedly chattering about finally having another baby, she was so excited, she said she needed to go write this in her journal.  Then Matt finished and explained what had happened.  They were okay about it, and asked good questions.  He explained that it's not like last time, and that we wouldn't have to do a funeral again (they were concerned about that).  They took it all fine, but it just breaks my heart to put them through yet another disappointment.  While I am angry that we have to go through yet another heartbreak, and I am searching for answers for all of this, I know that the Lord has a plan for our little family.  I am so grateful for our little family, and for the three little miracles that I get to spend each day with.  And I am grateful for the reminder, yet again, to hug them a little tighter.