Ay, there's the rub...

 the downside to having people who you love dearly, and who are such an integral part of your everyday life. When they are gone they are deeply and dearly missed in every part of your everyday life.

While it's true that I am TRYING to focus on the positives, there is no denying that I am dreading the holidays this year.  The moment I started to see boughs of holly going up in the malls (yeah, before Halloween), I could feel the ache start.  The closer they get, the more I feel it.  That big gaping hole.  I am just not ready to face it.  Face their empty place at the Thanksgiving table.  Their part in our Christmas Eve traditions.  Sharing in the excitement and joy with them.  Lights at temple square followed by burgers at Hires.  Shared birthday celebrations.  Their 50th wedding anniversary.  There should be so much joy, but there is just no ignoring their absence.  It feels so unnatural.  I know it will all be okay, and that the first year is the worst, but I am just struggling to get into the holiday spirit this year.  We just loved them so much, they are missed every day, and even more at the times of year we all enjoyed the most. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful.  Grateful for the time we had.  Grateful again for the tender mercies of the Lord.  Grateful for the gospel, and for the knowledge that this life isn't the end, and that we will be with them again.  Grateful for the love and legacy they left behind.  Grateful for the lives they lived and for the larger-than-life shoes that they left for us to fill.  Heartbroken, yes, but eternally and inexplicably grateful.