Our 2012 Family Pictures

 

This year I really struggled with family pictures.  I know, not a major crisis, I should be able to let that one go.  But it's the little things.  The little things that are hard.  The little things, little milestones that bring healing.  This milestone was family pictures.  I saw it coming a mile away.  I do family pictures every year.  I love having family pictures taken.  I love coordinating just the right outfits and colors.  I love choosing a location that we haven't done before.  I love our fantastic photographer (who happens to be my lovely and talented niece Amanda).  I love comparing how my kids have grown from year to year.  I love the anticipation waiting for the CD to come so I can pick my favorites and plan Christmas cards.  Christmas cards.  Another little thing.  Another hard thing.  This year has had many of those.  I always send Christmas cards.  I love sending them, I love getting them, I always do Christmas cards.  And so I have been torn.  For months I have debated not doing them, just skipping over the whole season and getting through it.  But that's not me.  That's just one more thing about all this that makes me feel less like me.  And so I resolved to do them.  I would make them work, and I would put my heart into making them perfect (keeping in mind that when you are working with children, one of whom is 2-years-old, 'perfect' is a relative term :).  I tried.  I ordered fabric, planned the perfect outfits to make for my girls, coordinated everyone else's outfits around theirs.  Nothing.  No excitement.  Just that constant reminder that something's missing.  So I decided to try using my creative side to make it work.  I WANTED more than anything a complete family picture.  I only have one, and if you have seen it you know that it's far from perfect.  I treasure it, but it was the day after Miles' passing while we were still in the hospital.  I hadn't showered, my eyes were almost swollen shut, it was awful.  And it was all I had.  I have seen photos done with big chunky frames as props, so I thought I would try doing that, then photoshop my favorite picture of Miles into the frame.  There it was.  A little bit of peace.  But what if it didn't work?  There had to be something more.  I had heard so many suggestions for symbolic things in family pictures; teddy bears, a certain color that you wear every year, etc.  None of them were me.  While at my kids' primary program practice a week before our pictures I was talking to a cute friend in my ward.  Somehow we got on the subject (and bawled like babies), and she said she had a pocketwatch necklace that would be cool, I could find one like it and set it to the time of his birth, with a photo of him inside of it.  It was perfect, and I immediately loved the idea.  I knew just the right people to make it happen, the lovely ladies at Rusted Pearl.  They were fantastic, and did everything to make it look just the way I wanted, and have it done on such short notice.  The pocketwatch idea was perfect.  Subtle, symbolic, timeless, and can easily be incorporated into family pictures for years to come.  It was just what I needed.  A little more peace.  There is no way to bring him back.  No way to make our family pictures complete.  But little things bring healing.  We all wore something that was a little reminder of Miles.  And doing it, trying, doing something hard, it brought a little bit of peace, and a little more strength.  Of course, I find peace in knowing that someday we WILL all be together again.  Someday I will again have a fullness of joy.  But for now it's the little things. 

 (below) A closeup of my pocketwatch necklace open. Yes, after all that, I forgot to set it to 5:12, the time of his birth. I am going to have to re-do just those few closeups... ooops 

(below) I made the girls' outfits and Mason's tie. They all have my Miles & Me tags in them

(below) Where would I be without this guy!

(below) and them!  They are the cutest, I am so grateful to be their mom!

(below) I couldn't resist including this picture of Maylee.  It makes me laugh every time I see it.  She was trying SO hard to force a smile, it was painful :)  Love her!