faith in God

includes faith in His timing.

{sidenote: this is a very personal post, so be nice.  I share some of the things that I have felt in hopes that it might help others who are going through trials as well}

Today is July 1st. Today marks 3 months from the day we lost our little Miles, and 2 years from the day we lost Matt's sweet dad. 2 years ago today the first of a series of unimaginable events began. I vividly recall getting that phonecall while on vacation with the entire family at the Newport Coast Villas. I remember frantically trying to find a flight for Matt and his sisters to get home in time. I remember the anxiety we felt as we all waited to hear if they had made it in time, not fully accepting that his time had really come, still sure that he would pull through yet again. I remember the emotion and tears that were shared (in a hot tub) as we all received the news together that he was really gone. I remember 2 years ago today like it was yesterday. When we first found out we were pregnant with Miles, we considered it our 'rainbow,' our happy miracle after the storm that we had come through. When we found that he would have some health concerns, we held onto that hope. After all, with all we had been through losing both of Matt's parents so close together, and so recently, the Lord wouldn't put us through this as well. When he was born and the doctors weren't very hopeful, I continued to hold onto that hope. After Miles passed on, I will admit that part of me was a little hurt and angry that the Lord would do this to us. He could move mountains, why couldn't this be our miracle that we so needed. I resolved that there must be some purpose, and I wasn't going to be hurt and angry, I was just going to trust in the Lord and begin to heal from yet another loss. As the months have passed, I can begin to see. It had to be this way. We had to go through those trials to get through this one. For many reasons, but mostly for our marriage and for our eternal family. Matt was very close to his parents, and losing them was incomprehensible. It couldn't happen. And then it did. Within 2 1/2 months. But he somehow seemed to be fine. I can remember asking him in the weeks and months following their passing if he was okay, if he wanted to talk about anything, if he even FELT anything, he seemed to be too okay. I would cry at the mention of their names, yet he seemed to go on like nothing had happened. He would just tell me he was dealing with it in his way. I realized that when I paid attention I could see it. He called his dad's cell phone just to hear his voice, only to find it had been disconnected. He kept the cd recording from his funeral in his truck for months (I think it's still there). That wasn't just an oversight, he wanted it there. He loved his parents very dearly, and he missed them, but he just didn't feel the need to talk about his feelings very often. After Miles' passing I had the same thoughts and feelings (only, of course they were a little different, this was our baby, our son, a life that was never even lived), but the process was the same. The crushing grief, constant flow of tears, and that emptiness at every turn. And wondering if my husband even felt the loss. He seemed okay. Too okay. The loss of a child is often followed by marital turmoil and even divorce. I now can see why. Each person grieves differently, and it is hard to understand that. Not understanding your spouse's process easily begins to build resent, build up walls and create distance, and the harbor feelings that they didn't even care. But every time that I would feel that anger and resent creep in, I would remind myself that he is greiving too. Rather than withdraw in frustration and hurt, I talk to him and tell him how I am feeling, even if he doesn't ask. I know he won't, I know that's just how he is. He occasionally shares thoughts that he has had about Miles. One day after practicing baseball with Mason he said he just kept thinking he should be looking forward to doing this with Miles, too. I know he is grieving, just in his own way. I know that because we have been here. I know this is just how he does it. Had we not just been through this process, I would not have understood that. I know that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. That knowledge has brought peace at a time of unimaginable pain. Rather than viewing the series of recent events as being forgotten and forsaken, I know without a doubt that the trials preceeding Miles' passing were a blessing. I know that we needed to go through them to know that we could make it through this. That knowledge and hindsight reaffirms my faith in our loving Heavenly Father, and especially faith in His timing, infinite wisedom, and plan for me. On this anniversary as we remember Frank and little Miles, I give thanks to the Lord for the time that we had with them, however short, and I look forward to the day when we will see them again.

 (above) Mason loved trimming the grass and pulling the few weeds around the headstones

(above) McKinley carefully cleaned the headstones - Maylee usually 'helps' too, but she fell asleep on the way up, so we let her stay asleep this time :)

 (above) I love the view from Grandma and Grandpa and Miles' graves, we like to clean up, bring flowers, and make it look pretty and clean, but we also love to just sit and talk and feel close to our little guy and Grandma and Grandpa.

 (above) after the cemetery we went to visit family for the rest of the day - my kids love their cousins!

 (above) more cousin love

 (above) Uncle Greggy :)

(above) cousin time!