bittersweet.

It seems that is the term I use to describe most things in life lately. Bittersweet. First, let me back up and apologize for my lack of posts lately, it has been a rough few months, and I haven't had anything great to write about. To be honest, I feel like our family blog has turned into my venting place for dealing with my grief. I like the way a fellow angel mom described it, she said (paraphrasing) that it's not all about her grief, but it's a blog about their lives, and their lives are intertwined with grief. That's how it is. It's a part of our lives. There are good things, so many good things, in our life. We are happy and enjoy famiy time and fun activities, and can put aside our grief for awhile, but it's always there in the background. The fun times are so busy and fun, I often don't have the time to stop and write about them. The times that I write are the times when I have something weighing on my mind and need to get it out. That's why it seems that's all I write about on my blog. I just don't want it to seem like it's consuming, it's not. We are happy, and life is good.

That being said, it IS always in the background. Every happy time is just a little bit bittersweet. There is always just a little something missing. Today is McKinley's 8th birthday. Today we celebrated the day that we brought our first baby into the world. We reminisced about that day and joked about how we were so young and had no idea what we were doing. It worked out just fine :). McKinley is an amazing young lady. She is strong, smart, driven, and talented in so many ways. She has chosen to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We are so very proud of her decision. She is an amazing example to us and to her friends. One of today's activities was to bring treats to her class at school and to read with them. McKinley picked her book, one I had read to her once, and informed me that she wanted to read it to her class, rather than have me read it. That turned out to be a huge blessing. The book she read was one a friend had given us after Miles' passing. It talked about remembering those we have lost and looking forward to seeing them again. As she read I remembered why I had only read that book to her once. Blinking back tears I listened as she read. She read beautifully, she is so much stronger than I am. She shared that it is her favorite book because it reminds her of her brother Miles. We did treats with her class, then Mason, Maylee, and I went home to finish birthday preparations while we waited for Kinley to get home from school. As I put the finishing touches on a couple of her birthday presents, I thought back to her last birthday. Then the emotions of earlier came back, and I realized why I had been fighting back tears all day. I remember my excitement last year as I dropped her off at school and left Mason and Maylee with a friend so I could go to my first prenatal appointment. I was a little over 10 weeks along, and couldn't wait to hear this baby's heartbeat. Only Matt and I knew that I was pregnant. I hadn't wanted to tell anyone for a few more weeks, I wanted to make sure everything was okay before we shared our exciting 'secret.' Everything was great, and the doctor sent me home with ultrasound images of our tiny little peanut. I rushed home after, finished setting up for Kinley's party, and the rest of the day I was on cloud 9. After her friends had left, McKinley noticed my ultrasound pictures sitting on the desk in the kitchen. Her teacher (who was due just a few weeks before me) had just announced to her class that she was pregnant, and had apparently shown them her ultrasound pictures. When McKinley saw mine, she said 'Mom, is this Mrs. Wride's baby?' I laughed, then brushed it off, saying 'no.' Then her eyes got big, and she said, 'wait, is this your baby?!?' I was so caught off guard that she had put that together, I could do nothing but stutter for a minute, then say 'yes.' They were all so excited, it was so much fun to celebrate that moment together on McKinley's birthday. Since our kids knew, we figured we might as well tell the world. We announced it to our family and friends that night. That was the night that we wanted to shout from the rooftops that even though I had said we were done after baby #3, we were having one more baby. One year ago. It didn't even occur to me until this afternoon as I finished up birthday plans the significance of one year ago today. That's how it is. It sneaks up on me sometimes. Like today. Today we are celebrating the birth of our oldest child, but at the very same time, in the background, mourning for what should have been. Our lives are intertwined with grief, and so many of our happy times are bittersweet.