what to expect

no, this is not the textbook version.  There is no textbook for this.  I took a pregnancy test this morning.  I didn't expect anything, I just did it out of habit.  I usually take one right around 'that time' every month just because, well, because I don't like surprises.  But this test was different.  It was a different brand.  I took it, like usual, then started my morning routine.  I glanced at it a few minutes later, as usual, before I would usually put it in the garbage.  When I looked at it, I didn't understand it.  Seriously.  I was used to looking for one or two pink lines.  This one had a blue plus, and then another line.  What does that even mean?  A little curious, but still not thinking anything, I googled it.  On my phone.  From the bathroom.  I have had 4 babies, but you would think this was my first time taking one of these.  My brain couldn't process it.  I found the brand, then the 'how to read your test' link.  I froze.  Wait, what?  I'm PREGNANT?  I do a little mental math.  5 1/2 weeks.  I think.  It's what I wanted, right?  I think so.  Then a million questions and doubts flooded my mind.  How could I do this all again? What if something happens again?  9 months is a really long time.  Too long.  My brain went numb the rest of the day.  No more thinking.  Denial.  Pretend it's not happening.  I told only one person, a friend and fellow angel mom.  And I cried.  Partially happy tears, but mostly scared out of my mind.  More scared than I have ever been at the top of a really long roller coaster.  There is no What to Expect for moms like me.  There is no normal once you have dealt with the reality of losing a baby.  I am excited to hold another baby, I am excited for my kids to have another sibling.  I am excited for my 5th baby.  But this is not like any of my other 4 pregnancies, this is different.  No nesting, no anxious anticipation and calculating due dates and planning boy or girl coming home outifts.  Bringing a new baby home, what was that even like?  I can't remember.  That seems like a dream, like an impossible reality.  I have done that before, 3 times, but that all seems so long ago, and clouded by the memories of leaving a hospital emptyhanded.  Even now, as I get ready for bed, I begin to doubt.  It was probably wrong.  I will take another one in a few days.  This is going to be a long 9 months.  Deep breath, listen to my friend.  It will be okay.  Just take it one milestone at a time.  12 weeks.  20 weeks. 38 weeks (they will do my c-section 2 weeks early because of the type of c-section I had with Miles, there is not a doctor in the country who will do a VBAC on a classical c-section - and yes I googled that just to be sure.  The risk of complications from going into labor are high, so 38 weeks it is).  That's too far for now, one milestone at a time.  12 weeks.  I can stay sane that long.

*(edit 2/28/13) I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant, but I never published it.  For anyone who cares to read, this is what every day of the next two months felt like.  Only to have it end in disappointment.