He knows me

He knows me and He answers my prayers.  Not always the way I want, but He hears me, He knows me, and through sweet tender mercies He shows me that he loves me, and that the trivial things that matter to me matter to Him.  Although our months of prayers and countless people fasting for Miles didn't end the way we wanted, there were many miracles on the day that Miles was born.  The fact that we even got to meet him and hold him before he passed on was in itself a huge miracle.  The outpouring of love and support throughout this trial have been humbling and inspiring.  Friends and family from all over have sent cards, flowers, texts, facebook messages, and e-mails offering their love and prayers.  My kids were cared for while I was in the hospital, my house was cleaned, and still 2 weeks later meals keep coming in.  Truly humbling.  I hardly remember anything about the day after Miles was born, I remember going to see him with the kids, I remember asking to not have any visitors the rest of the day, and I remember crying the entire day.  I know the next day I had friends come to visit, but that day was also a fuzzy memory.  Then Wednesday was the day I had looked forward to and dreaded all at the same time.  It was the day I was going home.  Going back to my family, to my kids, to my own house and bed.  I was so ready to leave that hospital and be back to my own life again.  But I was dreading leaving the hospital without a baby, carrying with me nothing but a huge scar, a broken heart, and the bag with the few belongings that Miles had on this earth.  That morning I began to think of his upcoming funeral.  Up until then I had been so numb that Matt had taken charge of Miles' funeral and had made all of the arrangements.  That morning some of my mom habits kicked in.  I had already figured out what he would wear, but he needed a blanket.  A white blanket.  But not just any blanket, it had to be a special blanket.  I wished I had thought of that before, no matter what he would have needed a white blessing blanket, if only I had found the perfect blanket while I was pregnant we could use it for his burial.  But I hadn't, it had not occured to me that we would need it now, and now I didn't have time to shop for the perfect blanket.  I didn't have time to order one online or to have one made for him.  I didn't have time for anything.  I know, such a small thing to worry about with everything else, but there were so few things that he needed in this life, and that was one of them.  And it mattered to me.  That afternoon Matt had texted me to say he was running late to come pick me up, but his best friend's mom, sweet Kathy Johnson, wanted to come visit me.  I said that was fine, and went on searching the internet on my ipad trying to figure out what to do for Miles' white burial blanket.  When Kathy came, she told me that she had been in Jerusalem the previous week.  While she was there she came across these beautiful white blessing blankets, which she bought for her two daughter-in-laws who are expecting.  Then she felt like she needed to buy a third one for Miles' blessing blanket and had planned to give it as a baby gift.  She then gave me a beautiful white woven baby blanket.  It was perfect, it was exactly what I would have picked for him.  This wasn't just any blanket, it was a special blanket, purchased in a special place by a dear special friend with love and care, and it was perfect for Miles' burial.  I cried as I told her how much it meant to me, but she will never know truly how much it meant.  Nobody knew that I had been trying to find a blanket, or that it mattered to me, but the Lord knows me.  Through small and simple things, and through special people in my life, he lets me know that he knows me.  Miles' blanket was one of those small and simple things.  There have been many answers to silent prayers since.  A phonecall during a down moment, a friend who will let me tell Miles' story one more time, a necklace with all 4 of my childrens' names on it, a framed quote from a faraway friend, a meal showing up unannouced at the end of a hard day, a card or message from an old long-lost friend telling me they are thinking of me, or that Miles' story has touched them.  All answers to prayers.  All reminders that He knows me.

(above) I wish I had taken a better picture of the blanket, but the blanket that Miles is wrapped in is the one from Jerusalem, you can't see the details in this photo, but it's beautiful.

(above) The cute necklace that my friend Meghan sent me, I love it!

(above) I didn't get a good picture of the outside of it, but my sweet friend Rachel made me this little box to keep Miles' special things in.  I pull out Miles little blue hospital blanket and tiny hand and footprints and his few other tiny things when I need something to hold onto to remember things about him.

(above) again, a poor photo, but these are just some of the many flowers, the framed quote from Janette, and the beautiful pictures of the savior holding babies that have meant so much to me. 

I am so grateful for wonderful family, friends, and neighbors who have truly taught me what it means to "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. (Mosiah 18:8-10)" Thank you to all who have loved, prayed for, and supported my family during this time, you are all answers to our many prayers!