I have been here before

When I started to write down things that came to me on my blog after Miles' passing, I began to read some of my older posts.  I haven't really kept up my blog, but I did write a few entries after Matt's parents passed.  As I read through those posts, I realized I have been here before.  I don't remember feeling this way before, but I read my own words describing then the same feelings I have now.  It was different, and it hurt at different times in different ways.  It hurt at Christmas, vacations, my kids' birthdays, dance recitals and prescool graduation.  I hurt for what used to be, I hurt during the times that they would usually be right there as such a central part of our lives.  With Miles I hurt at every reminder of what could have been.  I cry for the months that I felt him kicking inside of me, I cry for the baby that I fought so hard for, that I wanted so badly, that I gave life to.  I hurt for my kids to play with his tiny hands and love every minute of him, for the cute little clothes he never wore, for the empty little cradle and nursery, for his upcoming due date, for the arrivals of new cousins and neighbors that we had excitedly planned for little Miles to play and grow up with, for the hopes and dreams for him that he never got the chance to live, for my arms that long to hold him just one more time.  It's different, but in reading my posts I know I have been here before.  I have felt like my entire world had fallen apart and I didn't know how it could be whole again.  I didn't know how I could feel joy again without the tears and pangs of sorrow that always followed.  But I did, I know I did.  Time helped to ease the pain.  It never went away, but it was bearable.  I experienced joy again.  We built our new house and found out we were expecting our sweet Miles, and we felt joy.  There was always a little empty place, and a part of me that missed them, and I still cried at times that they would have been there, but there was joy, and my heart had started to heal.  It will take time, and many many tears, and there will always be an empty place in my heart that hurts for him, but I have been here before.  Knowing that gives me a ray of hope.

*** The framed quote in the above photo is hard to read, but it says "Because someone we love is in heaven we feel heaven in our home."  My sweet friend Janette sent it to me, and I love it next to Miles' guestbook from his funeral.  The photo really has nothing to do with this post, but I love it anyways :)