it happened

Tonight I was doing the dishes and watching my cute kids play tag and push each other around on ride-on toys on the deck.  They were up way past their bedtime and enjoying every minute of it, giggling and playing and being just so cute.  I smiled to myself as I watched them, and then I wistfully thought about Miles.  I got that same feeling, that tugging on my heart, that constant awareness that someone is missing.  It happens all of the time.  But this time it was different.  I didn't cry.  I imagined him out there playing with his siblings, just as I have so many times, but that was it.  No tears.  Just a wistful sigh, and then I finished what I was doing and called the kids in to get ready for bed.  I didn't know how I would feel when it happened, when that moment came that I thought about him in that way, but didn't cry.  I didn't know when it would happen, or if, but it did.  It was small, but it was something.  It was evidence that my heart will heal, and I will always be able to keep him a part of my life and think about him, but it won't always hurt so bad.  It was only a small moment, and there have been many tears at other moments since, but it gave me hope.