I used to hear or read stories of people tragically losing loved ones, and my heart would ache for them. I would think 'I can't imagine going through that, I couldn't do it.' I still hear those stories, and I still think the same thing. But I have lost that innocence, that naive conviction that that couldn't happen to me. That the Lord knows I couldn't handle it. They aren't just things that happen to someone else anymore, or someone else's child. They are real, they are possible. And I know somewhat of what it feels like, going through something you said you couldn't do. I don't want to do that again. I want to hold my kids all day long and protect them from anything bad that could possibly happen to them. I wish I could. But I can't. I have to let them go out into the world, I have to love them and be vulnerable, knowing that something could happen to them at anytime, that my world could fall apart again. That my heart could break into a million pieces. There are days that that fear consumes me, but I have to be strong. A friend recently sent me a link to a story about a lady whose sweet healthy 2-year-old passed away in his sleep. I know she wanted me to read about the mother's healing process, but every night as I put my 2-year-old to bed I think of that story, and I kiss her goodnight and silently but fervently pray that she will wake up in the morning. Because I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose another one of my children, I would not survive it. That fear is all too real. I cling to the comfort and peace that the gospel brings. I have faith that the Lord will not give me more than I can handle. That He will guide me through the next trial, just as he has this one. That I don't have to do it alone. That my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer, know my pain, and that through the atonement and with the strength of my Heavenly Father I can do things that I never imagined, and I am stronger that I thought I could be. I can let go of that fear, love my family, enjoy my life, and put my trust in my Father in Heaven.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
all too real
I used to hear or read stories of people tragically losing loved ones, and my heart would ache for them. I would think 'I can't imagine going through that, I couldn't do it.' I still hear those stories, and I still think the same thing. But I have lost that innocence, that naive conviction that that couldn't happen to me. That the Lord knows I couldn't handle it. They aren't just things that happen to someone else anymore, or someone else's child. They are real, they are possible. And I know somewhat of what it feels like, going through something you said you couldn't do. I don't want to do that again. I want to hold my kids all day long and protect them from anything bad that could possibly happen to them. I wish I could. But I can't. I have to let them go out into the world, I have to love them and be vulnerable, knowing that something could happen to them at anytime, that my world could fall apart again. That my heart could break into a million pieces. There are days that that fear consumes me, but I have to be strong. A friend recently sent me a link to a story about a lady whose sweet healthy 2-year-old passed away in his sleep. I know she wanted me to read about the mother's healing process, but every night as I put my 2-year-old to bed I think of that story, and I kiss her goodnight and silently but fervently pray that she will wake up in the morning. Because I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose another one of my children, I would not survive it. That fear is all too real. I cling to the comfort and peace that the gospel brings. I have faith that the Lord will not give me more than I can handle. That He will guide me through the next trial, just as he has this one. That I don't have to do it alone. That my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer, know my pain, and that through the atonement and with the strength of my Heavenly Father I can do things that I never imagined, and I am stronger that I thought I could be. I can let go of that fear, love my family, enjoy my life, and put my trust in my Father in Heaven.
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