I've had my moments

those times when the unfairness of it all consumes me.  When I just want to say why me, and be angry.  But I don't stay there long.  Why not me?  I have always said that losing a child is the one things in this life I could not handle, but really who imagines themselves here?  And yet here I am, and I am still standing, and I am not angry.  Although I don't consider myself worthy of such a blessing, I have the privelege of being the mother of a perfect child.  I have felt so many emotions over the last several weeks, but the moments of anger and bitterness have been fleeting.  I am not perfect, I will admit that I have had them, but they have been just moments.  I can't be angry when I know that the things I have experienced in the last several months, and especially in the weeks since Miles' passing are things I wouldn't have experienced were it not for this trial.  I have so many friends who are pregnant or have just had babies who have expressed their fear that I would be angry with them for being excited about their new arrivals.  I am not.  I have been blessed with incredible friends who truly understand what it means to 'mourn with those who mourn,' and I would be remiss if I couldn't find it within myself to rejoice with them during their times of joy as well. It hurts, I won't say it doesn't, but I am not angry with them.  I hurt for the things I should be doing with Miles, and seeing others do them with their babies just further reminds me that I should, but during those moments of deepest pain I have found comfort, and I need those moments.  I remember after Matt's parents' passings that I would dread milestones.  Holidays, birthdays, etc., but once they have been experienced and survived, the next time the same one came around it hurt a little less.  I feel the same with Miles.  Yesterday was fast Sunday, and with that comes baby blessings.  I expected to feel unbearable pain as I sat there watching those sweet babies, dressed in white, being held in their fathers' arms and blessed, but I knew if I made it through it this time it would hurt less the next time.  As I watched the little boys being blessed that day I did feel that pain, but not in the way I expected.  I didn't envy or resent them for their joy during such a special time.  I missed my baby as I reflected on the day Miles was born, during his last moments alive as I held him in my arms and his daddy gave him his blessing.  It wasn't the traditional blessing in the traditional setting, but it was an incredibly humbling and sacred experience as we spent those few moments alone, without doctors or nurses or any distractions, just the two of us holding and blessing our sweet tiny boy.  No, I don't resent them, they didn't experience the things I did that day.  They can't know of the surreal mix of joy, sorrow, pain, love, fear, and peace that I felt in those moments.  I would not in a million years have wished for this trial, but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.  Yes, I've had my moments, but I can tell you in all honesty that I am not angry.